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 Ōkami Suterusu Yoru (Finished)

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Wolfang701
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PostSubject: Ōkami Suterusu Yoru (Finished)   July 1st 2016, 2:26 am



Ōkami Suterusu Yoru

Gender/Sex: Male

Age: 15

Meister: None

Weapon Form: Ōkami's weapon form is a white scythe, it's blade is a full white color with a red cross in the middle of the blade. The pole is grey with a red line going through the center of it, the pole can extend up to 9 feet and can shrink down to 5 feet. The blade can grow up to 10 feet and can shrink down to 6 feet, he cannot shrink and grow himself in weapon form, he can transform to a human and back to a weapon if he needs to be a certain size. He can only transform his two arms and forearms, he cannot transform any other part of his body.

Love Interest: N/A

Orientation: Straight

Appearance:
{Body}
Ōkami has somewhat long silver hair, it goes down to the back of his neck and the bangs are above his eyes. His eyes are brown, he is 5'8" and weighs 154lbs. His body is slim and a bit more pale than most average human's skin, this isn't very noticeable though.

{Clothing}
Ōkami wears a black hoodie with a white t shirt underneath it. In the middle of his hoodie is a red symbol that looks something like a eye. He wears long white pants with grey shoes, he has white finger-less glove and a chain that goes from his front right pocket to his left back pocket.

Personality:
{Ōkami}
Ōkami is calm and collect young man who has kindness to share. He loves to help people to the best of his ability and would do anything to save someone. He tries to battle with his split personality to have complete domain over his body. Ōkami loves help from others, and he loves to help others out that have helped him out. He doesn't have many dislikes except his split personality.

{Split Personality}
Ōkami has a split personality created from his mental defect, this is the opposite of Ōkami. It loves to kill and wants to make the world it's own. Ōkami's split personality does not like having a gender, so it will correct anyone if they say anything that identifies a gender by saying it is genderless. It always thinks that it is above everyone else and that they should either serve them, or be killed by them. It dislikes what Ōkami loves, but loves everything that Ōkami hates. But in a strange way it cares for Ōkami and doesn't like anyone or anything that picks on him or remotely harms Ōkami.

History: Ōkami was always born with a mental defect, this mental defect created a split personality. It showed up and it always harmed children and anything else in it's area. Ōkami had the most control although during his years in elementary school. However when elementary school ended, so did Ōkami's complete rule of the body, at this time his split personality gathered up power to take control for most of his junior high life. His parents grew worried about this and sent Ōkami to a therapist, this did not work and Ōkami's split personality. Later when it found the therapist, it killed him and hid the body after making it nearly unrecognizable. Ōkami's parents grew worried about their safety and Ōkami's safety as well. They tried many things to get Ōkami away from his split personality, but it was stubborn to leave it's host.

Eventually Ōkami ran away from his parents so that he wouldn't cause them anymore pain. He lived outside, dealing with murders everyday, he saved some people who were almost killed by his split personality. They usually thought that this was a cruel and sick trick so that Ōkami can kill them all over again. He soon found that he should not be even near people, so Ōkami ran away to the snowy forest, thinking that everybody will be safe from him. Ōkami didn't realize that he ran away in a dangerous forest of snow and trees. This forest was full of bears, coyotes and other very dangerous animals. There is even a rumored werewolf in the forest Ōkami has ran off to.

This is where his story leads up to now, his adventures continue...

Soul Count: 0/99 Kishen Souls, 0/1 Witch souls

Miscellaneous:
His split personality comes out at random times, it can tell the difference from ally and enemy. But it does not care who it attacks.
Ōkami has gone through multiple therapists but each one met the same fate.
Ōkami and his split personality do NOT know that they are a weapon yet, this will be introduced in his thread where he will become a Hunter's Axe.

Have You Read the Rules?
"Come with me, overwhelming power and madness awaits."


Last edited by Wolfang701 on August 14th 2016, 5:49 pm; edited 6 times in total
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PostSubject: Re: Ōkami Suterusu Yoru (Finished)   July 3rd 2016, 9:29 am

I gotta add a few things. Do a grammar and spelling run through. I saw many errors. Also check whether you used the right words, when the sound could be the same as another, but mean different things with different spellings.

Go through the history, since there are some inconsistencies. You write, "average friends," then "average family." Later, your writing makes no sense: "Everyone but Ōkami was in the group hug so when they waved him over, he came only to find blood. Ōkami didn't understand what happened or what he just did, so he looked at his group to see if they were ok. They were all cut in half, each had a bone crack and a scream before they all died. He looked at his dead friends and ran off into the night leaving six corpses." How did he just sort of find blood? If he didn't know what was going on, he would have not just found that suddenly things were bloody. What happened in between? If he were to see blood, he would also see his friends. Logically. They were in the same room, so the part where he sort of checks on them is just pointless. "They all had a bone crack and a scream before they died." What? "A bone crack," right there sort of signifies that a single bone cracked. Just one. Then, the part with the scream is another inconsistency. He had no idea what was going on before he found them, so how would he know that they screamed? Dead people don't scream.

Then the second paragraph of the history. So, he is 13 and goes and runs off to the DWMA? But wait, when he is 16, he decides to go to the DWMA? Not very good.

Generally, you write EVERYTHING twice. That's padding, and that's not good. You use words like, "gonna," which is not actually a word. It's "going to." The history also makes no sense on a happy-go-lucky sort of character. It's like it's an attempt at making the character more edgy. Why?

Needless to say, this character isn't accepted. You need to redo the history, or at least make some very major edits. You need to give reasons for why his history doesn't match with his personality. You need to remove padding. "But they were the ones he killed," at the end of one paragraph with "Okami was the person who killed all of his friends at once," at the start is just pointless.

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PostSubject: Re: Ōkami Suterusu Yoru (Finished)   July 3rd 2016, 12:20 pm

Yeah to be honest I had no idea where I was going with this and decided to scrap this character and do this again. When I was doing the history I had something then when I was writing it down... Well that is what happened. This character became a mess but that is to be expected when you run out of ideas and try to make one off the seat of your pants. I am doing this again later so it will remain like this for like 2 days. So on Wednesday I will change it considering I have stuff to do on Monday and Tuesday. Thank you, but in truth if you do judge my characters just disapprove or approve and give me a short reason why. Cause sometimes I get lost in long paragraphs and it just frustrates me. And be as brutal as you can! But I can say that there is no spelling errors I have checked, but then again there might be a sneaky one but it doesn't matter.

Basically: I am deleting this character on Wed. and making a new one with this guy's name.
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PostSubject: Re: Ōkami Suterusu Yoru (Finished)   August 15th 2016, 7:23 am

Edited, revamped the whole thing, waiting for approval.
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PostSubject: Re: Ōkami Suterusu Yoru (Finished)   August 15th 2016, 9:25 pm

1. If you don't plan on using an image then please remove the image coding.

2. The sentences under "Weapon Form" is a run-on; where you have the commas, there should be either periods or semi-colons.

3. Actually, run-on sentences are an incredibly common issue throughout this. Please double-check your work, as most places where you have commas should actually be the ends of sentences.

4. You also don't have commas some places where they should be (like after "However,").

5. What mental defect? Why did it create a split personality? What purpose does this split personality serve? Is is a type of madness? What strain?

6. You do realize that Hunter's Axes mutate, yes? Realize that this could have some very adverse effects on Okami, possibly granting his Split further dominance. I would also give the Split some sort of name/identifier, but that's not a necessity.

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