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 Sean Morales

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Ghostbullet94
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PostSubject: Sean Morales    Sean Morales  I_icon_minitimeApril 17th 2018, 11:00 pm

Sean Morales  IMAGE URL GOES HERE

Name:Sean Morales

Gender/Sex: Male

Age: 15

Weapon: Looking. "Prefers Guns"
Meister Stars: *

Love Interest: N/A
Orientation (Sexual/Romantic):Straight

Appearance: Standing at a height of 5'8 he is considered average height for his age. At the same time, he is not really tall either. Having a Tan complexion with his face having a young look to himself, lacking any aging lines. No scars are on his face giving him a flawless skin complexion. Shoulder length black hair sectioned off into dreads. He would have it tied into a ponytail when he was in a fight in order to keep his face free. His eyes were black in color. His usual attire would consist of a black zip-up hoodie that he would keep open revealing a grey tank top. and on his neck is a necklace that had two dog tags attached to it His pants would be Grey in color looking closer to sweats having side pockets on both sides along with lower leg pockets that had flaps that closed. And his shoes would be black and bed high top sneakers that were complemented with red laces.

Personality: Well mannered for the most part, Sean is not someone who was arrogant or spiteful for no reason. He would give respect when it was given to him. When he is around others that he doesn't know he is courteous to them. Though he would not be too open with them. Around friends, he would be a little more open and make jokes and poke fun at them. But when it was time to get serious he would be able to differentiate between Play and serious. When he gets serious he ignores all jokes and focuses on the task at hand.

History: Born in Brazil, Sean lived a fairly normal life. He had a semi-decent childhood where he was not really bullied or was bothered for that matter. He didn't seem like a target for bullying or for others to pick on him. Though he did not really have any friends growing up as he was not a social butterfly. Over time he had improved his social skills and is actually able to have a longer conversation with others for a longer period of time. His parents were not abusive and were, for the most part, strict but fair. Growing up his parents taught him how to speak English side by side with his native language of Portuguese. They played some games with him or go out to places with him. And would reward and discipline when needed. When he got to his early teens they would then reveal to him that they were both Meisters. To him, it was a foreign concept. A person who was able to wield a weapon that was a person that was able to transform into that weapon. Being able to wield special weapons fascinated him so his parents sent him to register in the school known as DWMA. It was then where he would await the arrival of his newly paired weapon. Wanting to become a well known Meister in the world and to make a name for himself.

Miscellaneous: (Additional information of any importance that does not belong to any other category can be placed here)

Have You Read the Rules?
Oops. Sorry. My finger slipped.


Last edited by Ghostbullet94 on April 19th 2018, 9:54 pm; edited 5 times in total
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LeolaniLiaMay
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PostSubject: Re: Sean Morales    Sean Morales  I_icon_minitimeApril 18th 2018, 8:36 am

Alright, let me cover the most important issue with this character sheet first:

You most certainly did NOT read the rules.

Secondly, the entire thing needs a grammar run-through --- all of it. All of it needs a grammar check.

Also, you mix two different past tenses in his appearance alone; using the past tense for this section at all gives off more of an illusion that he's dead or no longer looks the way you're describing, which defeats the entire purpose of the section. If he doesn't look like this any longer then why is it filling up the descriptive section? You continue this trend into his personality.

Your personality section is composed almost entirely of sentence fragments/incomplete sentences.

You made him Brazilian --- to what purpose? A quick google search brings up that the official language of Brazil is Portuguese, followed most closely behind in frequency by German. I assume that, since his parents were DWMA students, they might have also taught him English, but I will forewarn you that having a non-English speaking character on this site will make having a thread almost impossible, unless he is able to find other ways of communication.

All in all:
Read the rules and actually answer the question properly.
Do a grammar run-through; correct your sentences and tenses.
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Ghostbullet94
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PostSubject: Re: Sean Morales    Sean Morales  I_icon_minitimeApril 18th 2018, 10:05 am

Updated
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LeolaniLiaMay
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PostSubject: Re: Sean Morales    Sean Morales  I_icon_minitimeApril 18th 2018, 11:19 am

Ghost,

Thank you for getting back to this quickly. However, there remain some grammar and tense issues. Please correct these so that he can be accepted.
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Ghostbullet94
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PostSubject: Re: Sean Morales    Sean Morales  I_icon_minitimeApril 18th 2018, 2:50 pm

Corrected
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LeolaniLiaMay
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PostSubject: Re: Sean Morales    Sean Morales  I_icon_minitimeApril 19th 2018, 9:06 am

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Ghostbullet94
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PostSubject: Re: Sean Morales    Sean Morales  I_icon_minitimeApril 19th 2018, 9:55 pm

Edited. was using Grammarly but forgot to save to changes
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[RACKIE]
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PostSubject: Re: Sean Morales    Sean Morales  I_icon_minitimeApril 20th 2018, 8:48 am

I was asked to take a look at this CS. Let's work together to fix it properly, alright? I'm going to point out every issue/weird thing I've found:

"Standing at a height of 5'8 he is considered average height for his age. At the same time, he is not really tall either. "

So, these two sentences together don't make any sense to me. Like, what's the point of stating his height, then telling that it's an average height for people his age only to later state that he isn't really tall. You could change it and describe his figure more instead.

"Having a Tan complexion with his face having a young look to himself, lacking any aging lines."
Well, he's 15 so it's a bit obvious that he looks young and doesn't have aging lines.
" His eyes were black in color. "
Were? Then... what are they now? The use of past tense here is unnecessary.

"His usual attire would consist of a black zip-up hoodie that he would keep open revealing a grey tank top. and on his neck is a necklace that had two dog tags attached to it"
I might be just nitpicky here, but I would remove both "woulds" and instead state that he often wears what he wears and that he often wears it in a certain way/style. Also, this sentence lacks a period.

"His pants would be Grey in color"
Grey- grey

"His pants would be Grey in color looking closer to sweats having side pockets on both sides along with lower leg pockets that had flaps that closed. And his shoes would be black and bed high top sneakers that were complemented with red laces."
You can merge these two sentences into one.

"Sean is not someone who was arrogant"
Again, you're using past tense. He's not dead! ;)

"But when it was time to get serious (...)"
Again, maybe I'm just nitpicky, but starting a sentence from "But" or "And" is not aesthetic. You could replace "But" with "However". (At least that's what I would do).
Also, later in the same sentence, you wrote "Play" instead of "play"

Fix these issues and I think your first CS will be approvable
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PostSubject: Re: Sean Morales    Sean Morales  I_icon_minitime

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