The Collective (On Hold)

The Collective

Name: Heath

Weapon Form: Jagged-edged longsword

Gender: Male

Appearance: Matted black hair, tanned skin, trench coat, brown corduroy pants.

Love Interest: None

Abilities: Pyrokinesis, inhuman heat tolerance, steam projection

Personality: Having been stripped of nearly his entire being, Heath clings onto his anger, the one thing he possesses left intact.  To keep this last fire lit, he directs boundless fury into loathing the world and everything and everyone in it with a burning passion, to a point where he has forgotten why he hates it.  This gives him a subconscious fear that he will one day be unable to bring himself to hate, and thus cease to be.  Heath is moody and temperamental, his baseless hatred driving him to be extremely territorial and unwilling to accept any kind of criticism.  He considers Tidere and Breis 'tolerable', but despises Acidica and Rouq, calling the former a freak and the latter a pathetic failure.  Despite his temper, he represents a familiar constant among his cohorts, whether he realizes it or not.

Text Color: Red


Name: Tidere

Weapon Form: Halberd 

Gender: Female

Appearance: Short black hair, small rectangular glasses, thin cobalt sweater, white skirt. 

Love Interest: None

Abilities: Hydrokinesis, immunity to water pressure, water breathing

Personality: Tidere possesses an innate ability to see and name almost every one of an individual's personal flaws through their actions, causing her to gradually loose all faith and trust in everyone around her.  She feels that anyone who cannot live up to her unreachable expectations must be fundamentally flawed, and thus undeserving of the right to exist.  Ironically, it is this belief and her need to show others where in themselves they are wrong that blinds her to her own flaws.  Tidere's obsession takes several different forms, depending on whom they are focused on.  To strangers, she acts like a self-proclaimed angel of death, and to the rest of the Collective, almost like a reprimanding mother or older sister.

Text Color: Blue 


Name: Breis

Weapon Form: Crossbow.  When fired, bolts make a distinctive "Wheeeeeeeeee!" sound.

Gender: Male

Appearance: Looks like he was pulled through a keyhole backwards.  Spiky blonde hair, yellow jacket, straw sandals, and shorts.

Love Interest: None

Abilities: Ventakinesis, Inhuman speed and agility, Flight

Personality: Hyperactive and whimsical,  Breis takes grand enjoyment in the aggravation of others, and gleefully works to cause it.  This in no way denies his intelligence, as he has devised several methods to prank his cohorts across bodies, even without their knowing beforehand.  At a first glance, he appears a harmless prankster, and the least threatening of the Collective by far, but the simple truth is that Breis can feel only comedy.  No matter how many he kills, no matter how much blood stains his hands, all he can do is laugh, because he is incapable of feeling remorse, empathy, or pity.  So long now has he gone with hardly any emotion that he is secretly terrified that if he was to feel again, the guilt would drive him mad.  Breis is in many ways the 'younger brother' of the rest of the Collective, as well as Acidica's frequent partner-in-crime.

Text Color: Yellow


Name: Acidica

Weapon Form: Long, curved handle chain whip with a half barb blade at the end.

Gender: Female

Appearance: Flowing brown hair, sleeveless dark green short dress.

Love Interest: Vrohst

Abilities: Acid projection, Immunity to all poisons, toxins, venoms and acids, Limited psychic manipulation

Personality: A very cunning individual, Acidica is extremely skilled at manipulation, and her flirtatious nature serves to aid her greatly in persuading others to unwittingly work for her.  Inside, she possesses a sadistic nature, and enjoys toying with her victims.  Deep inside, though she hides her own weaknesses by trying to make those of the people around her seem to overshadow her own.  She is a voice of spite and cruelty among the others, and teases Heath endlessly.  She does seem to share a sort of unspoken sisterly bond with Tidere, both providing each other with support when necessary.  She also has a surprising friendship with Rauq, based off mutual understanding.  Such a relationship appears parasitic at face value, but Rauq has a considerable amount of influence on Acidica, often providing her with consolation and advice, appealing to her softer side, tempering her sadistic nature, while stabling her mental condition.  She also frequently makes mocking flirtatious advances towards Vrohst, to which he will respond, often leading them to lengthy clashes of wit and mental power.

Text Color: Green 


Name: Rauq

Weapon Form: A steel mace

Gender: Male

Appearance: Short, spiky brown hair with a black jacket and pants.

Love Interest: None

Abilities: Terrakinesis, Empathy, Inhuman strength, Large-scale geological disruption (Triggered by panic attacks.)

Personality: Usually somewhat timid and sympathetic, Rauq is the most stable and easily reasoned with among his brethren, his empathetic abilities causing him to dislike physical violence, and giving him the ability to know how to console those with emotional injuries.  However, despite the fact that he is the most stable of the Collective, this, by no means is to say that he is without severe psychological damages of his own, as although he appears to be relatively 'normal', Rouq's empathy strips away all of the sugar coating of the personalities of the people around him, giving him a very clear view as to the primitive hidden intent which lies within everyone.  Rouq's own fear is far greater than that of a normal person, the stress it causes him occasionally driving the boy to the point at which he has a minor breakdown, at which time he will seek out weak individuals, often small animals, and frighten them half to death, often with brief bouts of psychotic violence, serving to stabilize his mental condition, but creating a massive guilt complex, as his empathy forces him to feel every moment of pain he puts his victims through.  However, should he near his breaking point, and have nowhere to vent, for example, if he was triggered in the midst of battle, he may snap violently and enter a panic attack.  What is particularly severe about such occurrences is that, like the rest of the Collective, his elemental abilities are tied to his emotional state, which can lead to earthquakes which, when at maximum force, can reach levels of destructive power well above those of any naturally possible.  A fully-powered panic attack will cause rocks and stones to fly around wildly, the earth to shake and undulate, huge pillars of stone smashing upwards, with fissures running along the ground, leaving the geography drastically altered.  However, such outbursts occur very infrequently, as the rest of the Collective actively strive to prevent such events, allowing Rouq to vent regularly.

Text Color: Brown


Name: Vrohst

Weapon Form: A thin 1 1/2 foot-long white wand

Gender: Male

Appearance: White, too-long-sleeved sweater, grey pants and dirty blonde hair.

Love Interest: None

Abilities: Glaciokinesis, Intangibility (only when surroundings are sufficiently cold), Flight, Telepathy, Limited psychokinesis.

Personality: To the casual observer, Vrohst would appear a lifeless, empty husk, devoid of identity.  Such a guess would not be far from the truth, as the pale, wraithlike boy was stripped of more than his brethren, losing all of his emotion, leaving only eerie serenity, his soul encased in ice.  Marveling at the peace born from his perfectly balanced soul, Vrohst took it upon himself to preserve the delicate balance between all things, and upon reaching the conclusion that all of the spikes and lulls and bending of the soul's wavelength were what left it so chaotic, he decreed that for true order to be gained, each and every soul must freeze.  Unlike the majority of his cohorts, Vrohst will stay true to his beliefs, even changing his allegiance if necessary in order to preserve his ideal of balance.  Vrohst's soul wavelength, interestingly, is bottom-lined.  Vrohst's relationships with the other members of the Collective are widely varied.  He trusts Heath readily, treats Tidere with respect, takes the time to amuse Bries, humors Acidica in duels of psychological warfare, and sees Rouq as a confidant.

Text Color:  Ice Blue 

Within their shared mind, there is a sort of a council, each distinct being given a voice in the actions that will be carried out, though the true course of action will ultimately be decided by the currently dominant mind.  The rotation can be triggered if enough voices agree on transformation to a specific form, or if a certain voice is triggered by strong feelings towards something generically attributed to said certain voice.  For example, intense, violent rage in one of the other forms can cause Heath to be triggered unintentionally.  The transformation process rewrites the shared body physically, mentally, sexually, and aesthetically, the individual's clothes being organic constructs, like snake skin, that alter themselves based on the one currently in control of the body.  (As they could NEVER agree on a wardrobe choice, considering they exist to disagree.)  All six souls are also capable of resonating all at once in order to temporarily split into six separate bodies for a maximum of half an hour, though five corpses are needed to initiate this process.  A lesser form of this is also available, in which the dominant form summon's another voice's weapon form.  Only certain wielding pairs are combat-capable.


Heath: Tidere, Breis, Acidica, Rouq, Vrohst

Tidere: Heath, Breis, Acidica, Rouq, Vrohst

Breis: Heath, Tidere, Acidica, Rouq, Vrohst

Acidica: Heath, Tidere, Breis, Rouq, Vrohst

Rouq: Heath, Tidere, Breis, Acidica, Vrohst

Vrohst: Heath, Tidere, Breis, Acidica, Rouq

History: Due to extensive experimentation by an, six individuals with demon weapon potential had their souls removed and housed inside a Kishin egg, thus slowly tuning to the same wavelength.  When the egg was placed back into an artificially created generic human body, it underwent a dramatic transformation, merging six souls into one six-part demon-weapon/prekishin soul.  The new dark weapon was then released into the world to be further studied.

So here's the thing.... You have 6 seperate characters with their own appearence, weapon form, and personallity in one character. BUT none of them have any form of history, each personallity is one line long, and the appearence has them somehow changing outfits and hair colors between forms. And even then, I can't get a good mental image for any personallity. I understand that what you're trying to do is make the character special by adding 6 personas, but instead you've created 6 seperate undeveloped characters.

First, you need something expleining how they transform from persona to persona and change outfits. Does something trigger the change? Is it just a random thing or is one of them in charge? Then, you need to make a section to give them an age and a shared history since people normally don't just wake up 16+ years old with 6 seperate personallities that shift gender and outfits instantly. And, finally, you need to add at least one line to each personallity and some more detail to their appearence. Do they even share the same facial features and body type between personas?

That should about cover it...

That really doesn't answear the points I had a problem with. One of the personas just has a one-line personallity.... Which is really bad because I've seen a fox character with fox-level intelligence manage to get around 4 lines once just off of a basic discription.

Also, why the heck do they change cloathes instead of just having either an explemation or just keeping all 6 personas in one outfit? It really isn't too hard to make one outfit work for all of them.

Simple example: They wear a button-up shirt with a pair of genes that have a belt.
Heath- wears it normally
Tidere- pushes the collar hole over her right/left shoulder
Breis- rolls his pant legs and sleeves up
Acidica- rolls sleeves and pant legs up and undos a few buttons around her stomache
Rauq- tucks the shirt in
Vrohst- both sleeves are pushed up to try and make them even

With more stuff to work with, it'll probably be easier to make distinct appearences with what you would have without resorting to something that makes no sense. Heck, you could even have their powers get involved to change the outfit. Maybe Vrohst can make a coat out of cold air or something?

The following personas need more detail in their personallities.
Heath
Tidere
Rauq (DEFINATLY needs work)
Vrohst

There. I think that should be it.

*reviews personalities*
Shit....

The only thing I just couldn't see working was the clothes, because the entire point of their existence is to clash, I figured that because the body was artificial, then it could be able to grow and shed a layer of skin, with one outfit set for each individual.

The cloathes thing seems somehow much grosser than Asura wearing his own baggy skin, when you think about it :/

Anyways, it's been a while since I first looked this bio over, but it's finally good to go! Kind-of wish someone would have gotten to him after I left, but whatever. You've covered all the problems I had and DEFINATLY went above and beyond with how much work you've put into this character. And now, if you want, you have room to say the kishin egg was snake-like or something based on how you got around the cloathes thing, so that's always a good detail. Finally Accepted!

Thank you

Okay, I honestly don't know HOW this got approved. First off, the ability to self resonate is WAAY too OP. Further, way too many abilities in general. So, this character is suspended until it's fixed, and you get a 20 point infraction. Further, you need to give EACH of the characters their own history to explain why they have so many abilities.

1. I expect a formal apology for both your rude comments and misconduct in the area of punishment.

2. Your job as a reviewer is not to merely label characters as 'approved' or 'not approved', it is to assist budding new roleplayers on their path to greater literary success by giving them friendly advice and helpful tips. Harsh words and vague criticisms do not merit praise from your superiors. In fact, if this is the way you treat everyone who comes to you for guidance, I'm astonished you made your way to such a position of esteem in the first place. I pray the benevolence of the hierarchy here has not been sullied.

3. You have punished me for 'infringements' that, even if true, were beyond my awareness. If you wish to pick a quarrel, pick it with Dethhollow.

4. In your initial sentence, you have not only insulted me, you have insulted Dethhollow as well.

5. I will be consulting the higher-ups as for the correct course of action. In my eyes, you have lost what authority you once held from your title.

1. At no point did I make a mistake or perform misconduct. I pointed out that this character should not have been accepted, and gave a small infraction for it. 

2. My job kinda is to approve and unapprove characters. If I see a character that should not have been approved, Imma unapprove it. Further, my critisisms weren't vague at all. They were very specific. Too many abilities, needs a background for each soul. How is that vague?

3. A very small punishment. For reference, bad spelling and grammar merit ten points. Godmodding is around 40. You got what amounts to a slap on the wrist, dude

4. Once again, how was me doing my job insulting?

5. Uh huh. Go ahead. Talking to the admins is well within your rights. However, may I point out you have been ruder to me than I have to you?

Firstly, I would request that you kindly review the tone with which you addressed the situation. Secondly, what exactly do you mean by 'less abilities' Do you mean less abilities per character, or less abilities overall, and why is it necessary to make these changes? Also, why do they need background as to why they have metahuman abilities? That can easily be attributed to the fact that they are dark weapons.

Also, if the problem is that the character should not have been approved in the first place, then how is it my fault? Did I approve it?

Apologies are due for four,five and the end of two. I felt defensive, and lashed back in kind, but regardless, I still don't see why such a provoking tone was necessary.

The only complaint that I can make towards Beetle is that he should have given you a warning first. Aside from this, the changes he has stated do need to be made.

There was no reason for an administrator to have been called into this conversation... the aforementioned infraction is removed unless this character is not appropriately "nerfed" by the end of the weekend (Sunday night). If, at this time, you have not fixed this character as requested, the 20 point infraction will stand.

In light of recent reexamination of the entire incident, I would like to request that this character application be put on hold for an indeterminate period of time. It is also my strong belief that the resulting infraction would be an appropriate punishment for my actions over the course of last night's incident. I'm sorry for the inconvenience.

For future reference, BlackHope, I would like to advise you that it is not a good idea to blatantly say that you "expect" something of staff, or attempt to tell them their jobs. Forums are much different from businesses in the real world, and we don't buy in to "the customer's always right". As the staff hold the key to your very existence on the forum, you should often simply smile and nod your head, rather than retaliating directly.

If you DO believe the staff member is being ill-mannered or unfair, you should take the situation to the attention of an administrator, rather than confronting the staff member directly. Also, you should avoid arguing tone in any online conversation, as, in most cases, tone can be variable, depending on how the message is received by the reader, and thus can be an unstable argument. For example, I'm merely telling you about general forum-life knowledge, and am trying to help you out, however some might read this message with a sarcastic or berating tone.

Lastly."In my eyes, you have lost what authority you once held from your title." Never say anything like this to the staff of any site. Period. That's just a bad idea in general. You're lucky you got a moderator as calm and understanding as Beetle, and not someone like Oblivion, who would likely have blown up on you big time for it.

-Ace